HAVE TO RECHARGE!

These are the things people see when they walk into my apartment. Giant cat poster behind the poorly maintained fish tank, star wars trilogy next to it, leaning on that would be my lord of the rings book and just on top of that? a pack of tarot cards that I rented books on practicing and becoming a voodoo priestess. I wanted to read your mind and I would do it all with the power that can be unlocked from the library. Thirst of knowledge is something that I'll never grow out of. What else caught your eye? A 4ft tall purple Christmas tree, fully adorned for the holiday season? Yes, but it's February 10th.
The smoke from this incense is stinging my eyes but I'm taking it because it feels good. It's a weird pain that makes me feel cool for putting up with. That last sentence sounded like I'm obviously from Chicago. I was cleaning the house before I started typing like a maniac so I should probably get back to that since I played hooky today. I'm just so tired from working these two jobs that I really needed time to recharge and use my brain for something a bit more stimulating than slinging dog food. Had to do that alone though. I get weird when I'm all by myself, Sometimes I feel like I really need to release the weird in a safe quiet environment with no other witnesses but the cats. It's not like I'm eating eyelids or something. Made myself sound like a serial killer for a second. Don't worry strangers, I'm just kidding. That's what's charming about me, I like to make jokes out of disturbing things because I thoroughly enjoy learning about everything that's abnormal. That was rather dark. The more disturbing and emotional the more I like it. Typical Pisces.
OK, So don't worry I've already deeply gazed into my soul for that existential issue I'm going through. It's alright now. Time to do something else.

Maybe I'll blog today?

I'm really good at writing letters because I feel I express myself properly. I feel it helps me get closer to the roots of my problems. My awesomely irresponsible problems!

Dear Responsible 20 something adults,

Let me start off with saying that you guys make me feel like an utter imbecile. I would respectfully like to add "Fuck You" because it is obvious that I'm totally envious of your abilities to be on time to work while still having productive lives that are not under constant judgement. Good Job!

However... That was all sarcasm. I was flattering you because I'm a liar!

I am going to tell you why it is way fucking cooler and devastatingly SEXIER to be irresponsible. Not that I would know what it was like to be any other way.

1. We don't have our healths to worry about!

EX: we can get high and drunk way before 10 on friday night then, forget to feed the cats, neglect to make ourselves dinner or do ANYTHING constructive around the house, and it wouldn't feel like we were failures because we were playing awesome video games and laughing joyously over Arrested Development!! LAUGHING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH! This is a fact... Already we're having more fun and living longer. Do we need any more reasons? We do? Fine.

2. There's an overload of drama that keeps our minds sharp and ready for action at any given time. Conclusion: We're fucking genius ninjas!

EX: Susan, was acquired in a super stealthy mercy kidnapping. No one knew we had even the slightest intention...but we totally did! Mr. and Mrs. GoodCredit are fuck ups, they can't elude the truth as skillfully. (to clarify, susan is a huge cardboard cut out of a cat that was stolen on a very drunken evening. there was a butterfly knife and a festival involved. tequila. the end. that totally didn't clarify anything) Isn't that mind stimulating? You can't get That by paying your bills on time.

3. Sex is more awesome when you think you might die at any given moment. Think about it.

EX: The past three nights. I won't go into it cause i'm not a hussy... but you wanna know more, don't you? See, I just seduced you responsible people. Danger is sexy. Like Carmen San Diego or Cillian Murphy.

That's it. That's what's so cool about being irresponsible.

I totally didn't just write this because I felt guilty about anything. I don't feel guilty about spending $20 at CVS, I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want, plus I really needed most of those things. Well just the cotton balls and the green tea, I didn't really need the nail polishes. They were two shades of colors I already own, but what if I run out? That would suck. I don't want to be sad about nail polish. Fuck.

Sincerely,

Miss High-right-at-this-moment-sitting-on-her-high-horse-who-is becoming-quite-small

Intensely aware and far too present

These last few weeks have been pretty tough. I am learning things that I don't think I can accept. Actually, I'm starting to accept things that I'd rather not know about. Being oblivious is outrageously difficult, isn't it?! How does anyone manage to be so distracted, when I'm everything BUT distracted? I think I started rambling already.

School is really important to me, even though I haven't been in school for about 2 years. Terrible, I know it. Of course, I hear pretty terrible news that Illinois students won't be able to receive financial aid next year! I honestly don't even want to research this because it will only discourage me. It's bad enough I'm discouraged on the drop of a dime. I'd rather put it out of my mind and focus on something else. Did I just contradict myself? Maybe.

There's also the matter of me feeling as though I'm being taken advantage of. In reality it's not that serious. The envy I feel is somewhat overwhelming. Perhaps, I'm creating a more significant problem than I really have. Ok, so I'm sure that was cryptic enough.
Now on to what I actually appreciate about my life. I can't sit here and be a Negative Nancy the whole time. Not only is that LAME, it just doesn't do anything to make me feel any better about it.
Right now I'm loving:

• The stuff I make...my creativity levels are pretty high lately and it's a bit exhilarating!
• Punk rock!...the rush I feel when I listen to some really grimey punk is a mood booster, to say the least. I can't believe that I haven't been listening to music. What is wrong with me? MUSIC ALWAYS HELPS! Always.
• Love...from my family, lover and friends. It's really crucial for me to feel love as deeply as I dish it out.
• I'm starting to realize I am ubiquitous, or I'm insane, haven't figured out which yet. No the first one, my brain is EVERYWHERE all the time. Seriously. The fact (or crazy belief) that I function at all is quite remarkable. HAHA.

Alright, I'm a nut. This month is nuts. We're all nuts, and I love it. At least I feel alive.

So it's church for a month straight!

We got the apartment! Received the call nice and early at 9:40 this morning. Last night we were in bed for three hours with the lights off. Thinking and hoping and praying, sometimes out loud. Daniel made some obscene promise to go to church every day for a month if we got the apartment, haha. I'm already going on those little apartment decor sites to help me come up with ideas for our place! AHHH! Our place! It's been nine months since we moved out of our last place. The freedom and peace we're going to have will be phenomenal. Thank you Jeebus. ;)

I'm not religious

-kelvin255(flickr)-

I've been silently praying that we get this apartment for the last 2 hours now. I'd hate to sit here and talk about how perfect it is before we even know if we get it. However, I cannot help myself. It's a spacious one bedroom garden apartment with heat and possibly cooking gas included! Cherry on top being that it's in Andersonville! Hopefully honesty is the best policy and Kharma has our backs. The stress levels in my brain are OFF THE fucking CHARTS! We're staying optimistic though. I'm not a stoner or anything, but I can definitely go for a little pot right now. None of my internal devices seem to be helping right now. Actually this helped a little. I'm a dirty rotten liar.

Don't wanna pretend I'm more ambitious than I really am

Today is Thursday. That doesn't mean all that much except that I got paid today. It was a very dissapointing day, to say the least. My newest obsession (and it's a productive one) is resin jewelry. It'll be productive BECAUSE I plan on making and selling my creations. That is, assuming that I get good enough at it. I'm full of ideas though! I can make handbags, I can make jewelry, I can make all kinds of stuff! God, I'm so excited. Also, I'm kind of drunk. That doesn't mean anything though. Right? I'll stop blogging when I'm drunk because it takes too long. I find it hard to organize my thoughts into ways that will make sense to others. There are just so many of them! Anyway, I'm done for tonight, maybe tomorrow I'll have something more interesting to write. OUCH! Daniel just bit my ear.